In a Funk

I've really been avoiding this and really debating if I should even type it. But I'm gonna be brave and do it.

I've posted in the past about my experiences with medication. Medication for moods and such. I have bipolar tendencies but have never been fully diagnosed as 'bipolar'. I was on meds after Mercury was born then uped the meds after Neptune was born. I developed a potentially life threatening rash from the med after being on it for over a year and had to go off cold turkey. My dr tried some other meds but they all made me so tired that I eventually went off them all together and have been med free for months. I was doing very good, so I thought. But I'm starting to lose it again. I cry all the time over nothing. I feel myself withdrawing from everything. From people, my hobbies, everything. I'd rather sit alone infront of the t.v. and do nothing. I can not take care of my house and just looking at the laundry makes me cry. I yell and scream at my kids for pretty much nothing. And Mercury has gotten completely out of control. He feed off my moods and gets very nasty when I have a bad day. So he's a little hellion right now which does not make things any better. I feel like I'm sitting outside my life watching it go by wishing I could change everything I'm seeing. So my mom convinced me to go to my dr again. I have to do something. I'm not looking forward to being on meds again. I wish I could just be normal. But it's not fair for my kids to have to deal with their lunatic mother either. And I want to enjoy the things I normally do. So I see the dr on Friday and hope she can get me on something I can afford that can snap the life back into me. I am really on a low right now. Really bad. So if I disappear for awhile, I will be back. Just need to get some meds in me.

Been Awhile

I've got to get better at this. I really do. Anyway, Neptune been sick twice in the last month. Go figure, huh? Not ear infections this time though. Amazing isn't it? Just high fevers and sore throats. Poor kid.

Menopause is going...o.k. for menopause I guess. I am officially off ALL my meds! Can you believe it? They were starting to upset my stomach too much and I said screw it all. I'm working very hard at staying level headed. The only thing that sucks is the hot flashes. I'm not sure I can take another three months of that! Argh. I hate hot flashes.

I got Neptune signed up for Early On and they are coming out to evaluate him on Thursday. I feel he's behind in his speech. Everyone tells me not to worry about it, but hey, if I can get my kid some kind of help so he doesn't fall behind, why wouldn't I? Plus they are going to evaluate his temper. Have I mentioned this kids temper before? We'll save that for a whole different day.

Mercury's birthday was o.k. He had a good time and that's all that matters. He got lots of cool stuff for once. No really really huge flops, so that's good.

That's about all that's going on with us lately. I will try to keep this updated much better. Right now I'm doing research on Geographical Tongue or Benign Migratory Glossitis. Neptune was diagnosed with that a month ago. So I'm learning all I can about that right now.

Does it ever end?

Well I finally got my shot today. Talk about pain! That's almost as bad as a tetanus shot! Yikes. I wonder how long it will take for the side effects to kick in?

My babysitter called this morning. One of her sons has a very bad staph infection. I've been on the phone with the dr and googling everything. I sure hope my kids don't get it. That's just one more thing I dont need! And talk about scary. The poor kid is probably gonna have to have his foot sliced open 'cuz it's so swollen from the infection. I can't even imagine.

I am taking Neptune to a chiropractor today. I can't wait to see if he thinks he can help with at least the ear infections. I'm not sure I really buy it. But hey, a lot of people swear by it, so it's worth a shot, right?

Menopause

O.k. first off this salad I'm eating...NASTY!

Alright, got that off my chest.

So the dr's office called and the insurance company finally has everything straight. I go in on Monday and get my shot. I'm officially starting menopause. Ugh. As if I don't have enough to deal with lately.

Seriously...throwing this salad away. Ick.

Neptune is on ear infection #13 right now. He also had an asthma flare this past weekend. As much as it sucks I learned two important things. Yes, I do understand his asthma now and got him in before it was bad (YAY) and no way are we ever taking him off Pulmicort. Well, maybe someday. But not anytime soon. He didn't need his rescue inhaler once while on the Pulmicort. A week after coming off of it, he's back on Prednisone twice a day and Albuterol every four hours. Not fun. But hey, at least I learned two valuable things.

Revelation

Well I feel like a totally new person due to the new meds I'm on, I believe. I'm supposta be on 400mg, but I've stopped at 200. I don't feel I need anymore and I don't want to try to go on more and end up in a medicine fog. That's what I believe I was in while on Lamictal. The withdrawal from that med was not nearly as bad as I had expected. The withdrawal when coming off of Zoloft was much worse for me. However I really did not like what I saw in myself while I was off the meds. But I'm so glad I can 'control' myself with only 200 mg of the Tegretol. I don't dread my kids anymore. In fact, I look forward to them. I'm trying very hard to not yell at them anymore, and I'm doing quite well with it. I also do not spank anymore. This may not sound like it's all that wonderful, but I'm very proud of myself for the progress I've made in such a short amount of time. Our house is CLEAN! This is an amazing feat. I no longer feel overwhelmed by the day to day. I just really feel like a whole new person and I love it. I was especially nervous this weekend. Mercury came down with the flu. He's never had the flu before and I was seriously dreading being stuck in the house with them all weekend. Especially since Jupiter is working horrible hours lately. But you know what? We did just fine being stuck in the house together. We actually had...are you ready for this? FUN! Here are some pictures of our 'fun'

Here is Mercury 'cooking' his soup. It's about all he ate all weekend.

We had a garage sale which I ended up ditching the whole thing on my SIL since Mercury was sick. Anyway, I brought the infant tub out to sell and you'd think the kids had found the coolest new toy in the world.

Yep, Neptune's asthma is flaring up again. Ugh. But the lady that takes care of Neptune during the day gave us this cool mask for him. He gets more medicine in and I no longer have to sit right there with him and hold him.

And the best part...the sleeping part. This is actually this morning. Neptune's slept with me the past two nights. He always does when he can't breathe. And Mercury crawled in bed with us about 10 minutes before my alarm went off.

I Really Think I'm Tired

So Jupiter got a vasectomy on Friday. He keeps bugging me to do it. I'M TIRED! But he wants to know if it still works. Do all men think like this? Oh well, doesn't change the fact I'm tired.

I started my new meds yesterday. I'm now on Tegretol (sp?). It's gonna take me four weeks to get to the dosage I'm supposta be at. They are supposta be sedating. Hmmm, for some reason I think Jupiter will be getting even less than he is now. Since I'm going to be even more tired!

The weekend was beautiful. We (meaning I) got out the sandbox and basketball hoop for the boys. Sometime this week I'll post some pictures. Man those two kids love being outside. I could not believe how dirty they can get though. I mean, yea they are boys. But I think this is going to be a very dirty year for Mercury.

I went to the dr yesterday. They are scheduling my laproscopic surgery. Part of me hopes they find endometriosis so that I can 'fix' this pain. The other part of me...doesn't want to deal with yet another issue. Isn't it sad when you think of surgery and the dr says you're gonna be in pain, all you think is, "YES I can sleep!".

The Crazy Sets In

I'm not sure if this will even make sense.

I'm borderline (if that really exists) Bipolar. I'm on meds for it obviously. I started the meds just about a year ago, soon after Neptune was born. Well, Monday my body decided it didn't like the meds anymore. I got the dreaded "Lamictal Rash". Normally this happens when starting the meds or adjusting the dosage. But apparently I just have to be odd. Luckily my mother realized what it was when I called her and we got ahold of my dr and stopped the meds immediately. Here it is Thursday and I'm still covered in an itchy rash and the withdrawal is starting. I'm an emotional basket case. Luckily I have people around who will help me with my kids. I will have Neptune tonight. But Mercury, he will be with my parents. That one is so full of fire, I can not handle him when I'm like this. For some reason Neptune has a very calming effect on me though. I knew that there was such a thing as a "Lamictal Rash" and that it was or could be serious. But I had no idea how awful and nasty it would be. I thought I was in the clear. I have been doing a lot of reading the past few days. I think so far I've gotten off pretty easy with this withdrawal stuff. I'm not sure how long it lasts, but at least I'm not physically sick like some people get. Just a horrid headache. So lets hope the next time I get around to writing here I have less spots than I do now!