Wednesday, February 11, 2009

In a Funk

I've really been avoiding this and really debating if I should even type it. But I'm gonna be brave and do it.

I've posted in the past about my experiences with medication. Medication for moods and such. I have bipolar tendencies but have never been fully diagnosed as 'bipolar'. I was on meds after Mercury was born then uped the meds after Neptune was born. I developed a potentially life threatening rash from the med after being on it for over a year and had to go off cold turkey. My dr tried some other meds but they all made me so tired that I eventually went off them all together and have been med free for months. I was doing very good, so I thought. But I'm starting to lose it again. I cry all the time over nothing. I feel myself withdrawing from everything. From people, my hobbies, everything. I'd rather sit alone infront of the t.v. and do nothing. I can not take care of my house and just looking at the laundry makes me cry. I yell and scream at my kids for pretty much nothing. And Mercury has gotten completely out of control. He feed off my moods and gets very nasty when I have a bad day. So he's a little hellion right now which does not make things any better. I feel like I'm sitting outside my life watching it go by wishing I could change everything I'm seeing. So my mom convinced me to go to my dr again. I have to do something. I'm not looking forward to being on meds again. I wish I could just be normal. But it's not fair for my kids to have to deal with their lunatic mother either. And I want to enjoy the things I normally do. So I see the dr on Friday and hope she can get me on something I can afford that can snap the life back into me. I am really on a low right now. Really bad. So if I disappear for awhile, I will be back. Just need to get some meds in me.


Nikki said...

Good luck to you. I hope you and your doctor are able to find something for you to help. It's not fair for you or for anyone to have to live like that.


Unknown said...

My girl you have NO idea how liberating your post has been to me.
So many times we feel like we have to put on a mask and pretend everything is okay when everything is far from okay.
You are a strong amazing woman and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery.

Super B's Mom said...

Oh honey. I am so sorry to read that you're having a tough time. I can relate to your post more than you know.

I'd love to hear how you're doing. I have been through this - I battled it for years. We need to talk - email me!! I will be praying for you. (((HUGS)))

Violet said...

i hear ya honey, writing about about might help. I'm also on nothing right now and i'm in the struggle of do i wait until after the baby is born is do i go back on it now? is it worth it to risk taking while i'm pg?
hugs to you. hope you find something that works.

Super B's Mom said...

Just stopping by to check on you. Hope you're feeling better. :)

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