In a Funk

I've really been avoiding this and really debating if I should even type it. But I'm gonna be brave and do it.

I've posted in the past about my experiences with medication. Medication for moods and such. I have bipolar tendencies but have never been fully diagnosed as 'bipolar'. I was on meds after Mercury was born then uped the meds after Neptune was born. I developed a potentially life threatening rash from the med after being on it for over a year and had to go off cold turkey. My dr tried some other meds but they all made me so tired that I eventually went off them all together and have been med free for months. I was doing very good, so I thought. But I'm starting to lose it again. I cry all the time over nothing. I feel myself withdrawing from everything. From people, my hobbies, everything. I'd rather sit alone infront of the t.v. and do nothing. I can not take care of my house and just looking at the laundry makes me cry. I yell and scream at my kids for pretty much nothing. And Mercury has gotten completely out of control. He feed off my moods and gets very nasty when I have a bad day. So he's a little hellion right now which does not make things any better. I feel like I'm sitting outside my life watching it go by wishing I could change everything I'm seeing. So my mom convinced me to go to my dr again. I have to do something. I'm not looking forward to being on meds again. I wish I could just be normal. But it's not fair for my kids to have to deal with their lunatic mother either. And I want to enjoy the things I normally do. So I see the dr on Friday and hope she can get me on something I can afford that can snap the life back into me. I am really on a low right now. Really bad. So if I disappear for awhile, I will be back. Just need to get some meds in me.